Every Family has a Rebel
by Ellinara
Summary: There is no love lost between Hikaru, the teenage offspring of the noble Shindou family, and all those boring skills and tasks that a "proper lady" was supposed to pursue. In a very welcome turn of events, a Go-obsessed ghost from the Heian era provides a conveniently traditional escape route from tea ceremonies and other tedious obligations. If only Touya would leave her in peace.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go. The cover image was created by Nensuria - Freepik-dot-com**

The noble Shindou family was known to be extremely honorable, tradition-conscious… and perhaps just a tiny bit snobbish. Shindou Masao was the CEO of a middle-sized company of flawless reputation ever since the family business had proudly been handed down to him from Shindou Heihachi, who was now thoroughly enjoying his retirement. Shindou Mitsuko, an exceptionally beautiful woman, was the sun and stars, the soul, the epitome of radiance beneath the perfectly traditional roofs of the various houses the family's members called home. She was outshined only by Shindou Kaede, her eldest daughter and heir to this outstanding linage, a jewel that would one day be entrusted to a suitor of equal social standing.

As for the family's youngest member, Shindou Hikaru, well… _that_ was another story.

Every family has a rebel, or so they say. And the Shindou family's rebel was, without a shred of a doubt, Shindou Hikaru.

* * *

The more exciting part of Hikaru's life started on a Tuesday following a completely normal, horrendously dull Monday on which she had to endure yet another fruitless Shamisen lesson.

Tears were slowly but steadily filling the elderly teacher's eyes. Hikaru was currently trying to play a song that was so ridiculously easy that even a two-year old could have pulled it off on the first try. Well, maybe the second try. But it was utterly useless: the teenage girl's fingers were molesting the instrument rather than playing it, causing the expensive handiwork to wail in distress. Akiyama-sensei hadn't known it was even possible to produce such shrieking sounds on a Shamisen before Shindou Mitsuko had come to her house, claiming the elderly lady was her "last hope". At first, Akiyama had thought the mother of two girls was merely being melodramatic. A few minutes into Hikaru's first lesson, Akiyama had understood. And now she was tearing her own hair out. If only she hadn't prided herself so much in her ability to mold even the least promising student into a somewhat passable musician. If only she hadn't taken on this challenge, which had soon turned out to be not actually a challenge but rather a fool's errand. If only she wasn't stuck with this little punk.

Truly, if Shindou-san hadn't introduced Hikaru as her daughter, Akiyama would never have guessed that this brat was even distantly related to the gentle and beautiful woman who had more or less begged the elderly teacher to take on another student. Hikaru had certainly inherited her mother's good looks, but she usually ruined it by wearing torn jeans or multiple layers of equally torn – and often scandalously short – skirts, always in the colors of white, black or grey. Or a strange combination of all three. Needless to say, her shirts also tended to be torn. And if that wasn't enough, this punk was now bleaching her bangs and often had an ungodly amount of smudgy makeup on her face. And her hair was not even an exotic-but-somewhat-acceptable blonde – no! It was _white_! Which sort of chemical was necessary to turn black hair white? Akiyama shuddered in disgust.

When she felt that her ears could take no more, she made Hikaru stop. The girl may already look like an idol – or rather, a rock musician –, but if she ever decided to follow a music career, people would probably pay her just to make her quit.

"Your mother has let me know that you have to go home immediately after your lesson, without any delay," she told the girl, sending her a pointed look. Hikaru was often late – and not only to her Shamisen lessons, apparently. The little punk grumbled something intelligible, sloppily bowed to her teacher, and left without another word.

Gah! Ungrateful brat!

* * *

Boooooooring. Hikaru's life was so god-damn boring, the girl wanted to scream in frustration. The lesson with Akiyama had really exhausted her while, at the same time, boring her out of her mind. She hated playing the Shamisen. She hated it with a passion! And she also hated tea ceremony, she hated poetry, she hated calligraphy, she hated… hated… everything! And a few days ago, her mother had taken away her computer because, according to her, Hikaru hadn't made enough progress in all of this useless stuff. Blah blah blah. As if she wanted to make progress in fucking tea ceremony! Who needs _that_ in the 21st century?

Slowly walking down the street, the girl had an expression on her face that would have sent any children misfortunate enough to cross Hikaru's path running for their mothers. Then she had a brilliant thought: screw supper! She was going to an internet café.

It was exactly 18:45pm. Or rather, it was already 18:45pm, which meant that the girl had only fifteen minutes left if she didn't want her mother to panic and send the police after her. Or a private eye. Or the army. Or worse, her older sister! And what was Hikaru going to do with those fifteen minutes? Exactly. There was only one website, only one place on the net that was truly worthy of anyone's attention: The GhostSpotterChat. For the fifth time on that day. The girl sighed, shoving her bleached bangs out of her face. Maybe she was here now, by any chance… but for the last two weeks she hadn't been. Hikaru didn't dare to hope, to wish… that… that… that…

YES. There it was, the name she'd been hoping to see.

Hikaru opened the chat window and began to type like the crazy occult-fanatic she was.

 **RamenFan12** 3: Miwa-chaaaaaaan! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° Where have you been? I was so worried, you IDIOT! Σ(っﾟДﾟ；)っ

 **Miwa-sama:** Hika-chan! Sorry, I've been busy with school and stuff. Cram school… TT_TT 'cause too much Manga! LoL

 **RamenFan123:** Cram school … ఠ_ఠ ew! But srsly, I'd rather go to

cram school that have Shamisen lessons with an old bat! But ya see, I'm here even tho my mum has my PC! Come online more often! I miss u!

 **Miwa-sama:** I miss u too. Have you read that new thread on the forum? The interview with the girl that saw that really scary ghost? I luv it so muuuuuuch! w It's creepy as hell!

 **RamenFan123:** Yeah! I've read it… awesome! Ｏ(≧▽≦)ＯIt's so cewl she took a picture! I wanna see a ghost too! I wanna find one and make it scare other kids 4 me… o((*^▽^*))o mwahahahaha! *evil laugh*

 **Miwa-sama:** That would be awesome! And ya could lend it to me! -_- My classmates are all sooo stupid. They are sooooo not cool! LoL! They're my classHATES!

 **RamenFan123:** Hahaha! Classhates! So true!

 **Miwa-sama:** Hey, Hika-chan… gotta go now, the tutor's here… I'm so sorry… TT_TT Maybe I can come back tomorrow… sry sry sry sry!

 **RamenFan123:** NOOOOOOOO! Miwa-chaaaan! ( ͒˃̩̩⌂˂̩̩ ͒) Don't leave me!

 **Miwa-sama:** Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow! Promise! Luv ya! ( ω ) ~

 **Server:** Miwa-sama has logged off.

Up until then, Hikaru's face had remained completely indifferent, not reflecting any of all those frilly emoticons even in the slightest. But now she was pouting. Cram school! Hikaru had her overbearing parents, her oh-so-perfect sister, and now Akiyama to worry about! _And_ her computer had been taken away! Miwako was whining like this just because of cram school?! But cram school was probably pretty awful, too, or so Hikaru guessed. And Miwa-chan was still the cutest little thing on the internet. Yes, Hikaru adored her online friends. A lot. But with **Oogliebaer155** and **GhostFriend87** , and **Miwa-sama** offline, she had nothing left to do on , the most amazing place for fans of the occult. So she logged off and went home to hear yet another rant about how she was supposed to change and become a proper young lady. As if she would ever let that happen!

* * *

"Oh please, Hikaru-chan! Just one tiny little game! It won't take long, I promise!" Shindo Heihachi pleaded with his granddaughter the day after.

Hikaru sighed. Not again. "But Jiichan, don't you have so many minions… erm… former business partners that would kill for the chance to play you?"

Her grandfather sighed, furring his eyebrows. "But Hikaru-chan, you are my granddaughter, I want to play you! I want to teach you how to play. It's not hard at all!" The elderly man probably thought he was cute when pouting. He was wrong. Very, very wrong. But before Hikaru could refuse again, the man had another idea.

"Hikaru-chan, you are still fond of ghost stories, aren't you?" he murmured conspiratorially. "I've bought a goban some weeks ago that is supposed to be haunted. Would you play a game of Go on that one?"

And all of a sudden, the world was perfectly alright again. The girl's demeanor changed completely within a split second. "Oh, really? That would be awesome!" she cheered happily, a huge smile lighting up her face. Her grandfather snickered. "Gotcha," he softly whispered to himself.

The girl's grin turned into a frown once more, and she crossed her arms. "But I'm not sitting in seiza, just so you know!" Most of her family members were so comfortable sitting in seiza, it was as if they had already sat this way in their mother's wombs. Hikaru's legs could live with seiza – for about ten minutes. On a good day.

Heihachi sighed. He knew that Hikaru was never going to be _her_ idea of a proper lady, when would Mitsuko finally come to realize that? "Sit however you like, Hikaru," he assured her good-naturedly, slightly patting the girl's head. And with that, he turned around and went to get the "haunted" Goban.

A few minutes later, the girl walked towards the small "table" that was supposed to be inhabited by some sort of ghost. It didn't look suspicious, not exactly. But… wait a minute… were those _blood stains_!? The girl's eyes widened.

*Oh my God! What is this? How can she wear such… scandalous attire? I can even see her underwear…,* a soft but clearly audible voice gasped.

What. The. HELL?

"Wh… what? What about… my… underwear?" Her blood froze, and a cold shiver ran down her spine as her hands started to shake with fear. She was alone on the porch. Completely alone. "Who… who's there…?" she whimpered. Oh God! Oh God, oh God, oh God! A ghost! A real, real, real ghost!

*Can you hear my voice?* The voice shook ever so slightly. Hikaru barely noticed that it was full of longing, careful hope, and pain.

"Come out! Show yourself!" she shrieked fearfully and took a few steps back. Was that really a ghost? Like… really? Oh God, oh God, OH GOD! She'd wished for this to happen… but now that it was happening for real, she was so scared that she wished she hadn't wished for it!

Feeling that a panic attack was about to hit her, she frantically looked for her grandfather. But he was still in the house getting some beverages. She needed to distract herself from her fear, or else she was going to lose it.

*You can hear my voice, can't you?* the voice asked once more. It sounded as brittle as if it could shatter at any moment. Full of hope now, but still cautiously so, as if it had been disappointed again and again.

"You…," the girl gasped. "You said you could see my underwear!"

And then there was awkward silence. The silence was actually exactly like before, but Hikaru could tell it was awkward.

*Erm… my apologies… I didn't mean to peek,* the voice said. If she had to guess, she'd say it sounded somewhat flustered.

"You… you pervert!" she hissed. "How dare you look at my underwear!" Attack was probably her best defense here. And he had seen her panties, after all!

*I… I'm terribly sorry, but you were suddenly standing above me… and… and… you were practically shoving your underwear into my face!* Now the voice sounded scandalized.

"Into your face? Where the hell _is_ your face? Aren't you supposed to haunt that Goban-thing?" she practically shouted.

She heard an audible gulp coming from the Go table. "Erm…into my line of sight! Line of sight! I did not actually stick my head under… your… your questionable piece of bottom wear…," the male-sounding voice mumbled sheepishly. "I would never do such a thing!"

Hikaru narrowed her eyes at the Goban. "I hope so," she sniffed. "I've always wanted to meet a ghost, but not a pervert!"

"I have you know that I am _not_ a pervert!" the voice pouted. "It's not my fault you are wearing next to nothing…"

The girl sighed, scratching the back of her head. She hadn't meant to upset the ghost. Maybe she should start a conversation with it…him? "So… erm… what's life like as a ghost haunting a Goban?" she began. "L…life?" the voice sobbed. "I'm dead!" Oh shoot. Making polite conversation simply wasn't Hikaru's forte. Not even with ghosts, apparently. "I didn't mean it like that!" she groaned.

"It's… a bit dull. And a little lonely," the voice admitted after a short while.

"Yeah, no wonder if you pick such a boring thing as a Goban. Should have taken a stack of Poker cards, huh?" The girl had only meant to tease him a little, but the wail that came out of the wooden thing a moment later would probably cause lasting damage to her hearing. "Go is _not_ boring! It's the reason I'm still here! I may be dead, but I want to play more Go!" he whined.

Oh dear God, why couldn't he be a really cool, scary ghost, like the one she'd read about on the forum? Or at least someone who wasn't haunting a _Goban_ of all things? But before she could utter any of her thoughts, the voice resumed speaking, "Well, you may not be my first choice of… accommodation… but I doubt I'll get another chance."

Wait… what? "Erm… sorry, what? What about accommodation?" Hikaru inquired. A horrifying thought came to her mind.

And suddenly, a very beautiful… man… woman… transgender person? was floating above the goban. A split second later, he launched himself onto the girl.

Before as much as a shriek could escape Hikaru's lips, her body slumped to the ground and the world went black.

* * *

Notes: This is my very first fanfiction, and English is not my first language. Have mercy. I'm not entirely sure whether or not I will continue this, but I thought I'll see if someone wants to read it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Hikaru no Go.  
If you find grammar, punctuation, or word-choice mistakes, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! **

* * *

"Mom. I'm telling you. I'm not going to die," Hikaru grumbled into the five blankets that were covering the lower half of her face.

"Are you sure you'll stay warm? Should I have the nurse bring you another blanket?" her mother asked, a deep frown marring her otherwise perfect face. The girl groaned. She'd also have face-palmed if she'd been able to move her arms.

"Mom. If you put one more blanket on top of me, I _am_ going to die – from hyperthermia!"

Shindou Mitsuko sighed, tenderly stroking her daughter's forehead. "You nearly gave your grandfather a heart attack, you know?" The woman gulped audibly. "He said you were lying on the floor all of a sudden... after talking about your underwear… and what about that haunted tea table?"

"Goban! A haunted Goban!" Hikaru looked as if she was going to give her mother a full-fledged lecture on the correct terms for tables that were used for specific leisure activities, but then she merely pressed her lips together and pointedly looked away. Mitsuko managed to keep herself from pouting. Barely. She knew she wouldn't get her little girl to talk when Hikaru was having this look on her face.

"You are probably really tired. I will let you sleep now." She briefly pressed her lips to her daughter's forehead. Hikaru had to suppress an eye roll. Her mother wasn't usually that affectionate. Why now? Why now that they had an audience? Not that her mother was aware of that, but still… and Sai already had this repulsive kind of oh-isn't-that-cute expression on his face... ew! Hikaru glared at the ghost, who hastened to suppress his growing smirk.

Mitsuko looked around the room thoughtfully and shuddered. "This clinic is really good, but their air conditioning... oh dear. I will ask the nurse to bring two more blankets for you, just to be sure."

"MOM!"

* * *

"Ugh!" the girl mumbled intelligently, trying to shift beneath the seven blankets that were making it increasingly difficult for her to breathe. Sai snickered. *Your mother is a kind and caring woman. You are lucky, Hikaru-chan!*

Hikaru huffed. "You wouldn't say that if you were lying in my place, old man! You'd only suffocate. Again." Hikaru stuck out her tongue.

Sai scoffed. *I have you know that I was barely in my early twenties when I committed suicide. I am _not_ an old man!*

Hikaru smirked sardonically. Sai's eyes narrowed. He didn't like that smirk.

"Yeah, but you don't have a body now, have you? And your soul is what? A thousand years old? Or at least those 30 years with Shusaku and your own life span, huh? That totally makes you a geezer!" the girl laughed. Sai looked somewhat affronted.

*I am most certainly not a… a "geezer". I am a ghost in his prime!* he pouted.

"I'm totally gonna call you "Ojisan**"," Hikaru decided merrily.

The ghost pouted indignantly, turning his face towards the wall. Hikaru snickered evilly, threw off six blankets – with quite a bit of effort –, and snuggled into the remaining one. "G'night, Ojisan!" she taunted. The Heian-era spirit refused to deign that with an answer. He was waaaay too old, dignified and noble to indulge in such silly games.

*Good night. Munchkin!* Apparently, his inner child didn't agree.

"Good night. Stonehenge."

*What is a 'Stonehenge'?*

"Dunno. A bunch of really old stones, I s'pose."

At that, Sai resumed his pouting and granted the wall his full attention once more.

When Hikaru was nearly asleep, he whispered, *Hikaru?*

Hikaru grumbled something intelligible, trying her best to ignore him.

*I want to play Go tomorrow…* he whined for what had to be the three-billionth time since Hikaru had regained her consciousness this afternoon.

The girl merely groaned and turned away from him.

* * *

The only activity that Hikaru hated even more than playing the Shamisen was performing tea ceremonies. And _of course_ her mother would insist that she did exactly that the very next evening, claiming that it would help her "calm down" after the incident at her grandfather's. Nobody in their right mind would have used "calm down" and "tea ceremony" in one sentence when it came to Hikaru, especially when she was in quite a bad mood already, but Mitsuko preferred to keep her illusions for at least a little longer.

The absolute worst thing about tea ceremony lessons was that they were often combined with calligraphy lessons. Hikaru's hanging scrolls usually featured scrawly pencil strokes that spoke of the girl's great dislike of most tea blends – on those rare occasions when it was actually intelligible. And her least favorite blend was usually the one she was supposed to use for her next ceremony.

And so it happened that Hikaru was sitting in seiza on a tatami mat beneath a scroll that described the striking similarities between Sencha and cowpat. Having added the water, she was now attacking the actual Sencha with a whisk as if the powder had gravely offended her in some way.

*Careful, Hikaru-chan, careful! You're spilling the powder!* Sai admonished gently.

The girl grunted and redoubled her efforts. 'Good. Then I don't have to drink so much tea.'

"*Hikaru!*" Sai and Hikaru's least-favorite aunt, Shindou Minami, cried in unison. The girl sighed.

"Hikaru-chan, I am not quite sure you're even trying to understand the Way of Tea," Minami sighed.

'No shit, Sherlock', Hikaru thought as she tried to treat the powder a little more carefully. She'd heard that expression in an English movie once and decided that she quite liked the concept of irony.

*A lady shouldn't use such vile words, not even in her thoughts…,* Sai admonished the girl. A light blush appeared on his cheeks. *And what is a "Sheruroku"? It has to do with bowel movement, yes?*

Hikaru couldn't help it. She exploded with laughter, dropping the whisk in the process and spilling tea onto the floor. Both her aunt and Sai gasped in horror. A terrible scowl formed on her aunt's face as both Hikaru and the middle-aged woman tried to regain their composure.

'Oh-oh', Hikaru thought when she had regained enough of her composure to think coherent thoughts. That didn't bode well.

"I will speak to your mother," Miniami spat, looking at Hikaru as if she was a particularly nasty stain on an expensive piece of clothing. "No computer for another week!"

'Fucking damn nasty shitty SHIT! FUCKSHIT, for fuck's sake!' Hikaru screamed inside her head. On the outside, she merely hissed like a snake, causing her aunt to flinch ever so slightly.

*Hikaru-chan!* Sai gasped. *Mind your language!*

The whisk went straight through his head.

* * *

*Hikaru-chaaaaaan! Pleeeeeease!*

'No! No, no, no, and guess what? NO!' The girl frowned at the ghost, trying to convey all the shrillness that she couldn't express in a public space.

Sai had been ignoring her for nearly half an hour – apparently he didn't like having things thrown through his body, even if he didn't feel it – until his insatiable need to play Go grew stronger than his ire.

*But… but… please… Hikaru-chan is so mean!* The ghost wailed.

'This is sooo disappointing!' Hikaru hissed. 'I've always wanted to meet a real ghost. My whole life! And then it happens, and now… _you_.'

Sai shot her a hurt, questioning look. *Why do you dislike me so much? I _am_ a real ghost, you see,* he mumbled.

'Yes, but why can't you be a scarier ghost? Like a demon? Or a yuki onna? A nine-tailed fox would've been cool, too. But all you do is bugging me to play Go! Go! Go! Go! Always Go!'

*But… but…,* Sai tried to defend himself, but there wasn't really something he could say that he hadn't said already a few hundred times. And he _really_ just wanted to play Go, after all. Suddenly, he had an idea. He waited for a few minutes, pretending to be lost in thought, and then…

*BOOOH!*

Hikaru slowly turned around – and was greeted with a sight of sheer and utter cuteness.

Sai was looming above her, crazily flapping with his sleeves, trying to imitate what was probably supposed to be a scary facial expression. But the fact that he merely looked like an oversized kid wasn't exactly helpful. And he was pouting. It was a very cute pout. It was so cute that Hikaru wanted to hug him and never let go again. Yes, it was now official: Sai was about as scary as a rainbow. Or a baby unicorn. Or cotton candy. Or a baby unicorn eating cotton candy while galloping on a rainbow.

"Awww! You're sooooo _cute_!" Hikaru squealed loudly, attempting to pat the ghost's head.

Sai's pout grew. *I'm totally scary! Boooohoooo!*

'Yes. I'm totally dying of fear. Oh, I wish I could pinch your cheeks…'

*I'll… say mean things to you!*

'Oh please do that! You're _so_ adorable when you're angry!'

*I'll… I'll… talk about Go all day!*

'You're doing that already…'

The ghost gulped, trying to steel himself. *I'll… I'll… poke you mentally when you're trying to sleep! I'll… erm… cover your sight when it's really inconvenient to not see a thing!*

The girl was mildly impressed. 'If you don't let me sleep or do that when I cross the street, I might die. That would make you a pretty scary ghost, I have to admit, but then you can't play Go, ne?'

The heian-era ghost gasped in fear, tears already springing to his eyes again. *Oh no, I could never do that! I would never want to put your life in danger!*

'Well, I hope so! I'd come back to haunt _you_ just so I can kick your ass!' the Girl huffed.

The ghost sighed. *But Hikaru… I just… I just want to play Go… why can't you understand that?*

'Because the only thing that is more boring than playing Go is my sister lecturing me on tea ceremony during my calligraphy practice,' the girl explained patiently as if she was talking to an especially stupid person.

Sai looked at her, clearly shocked. *So you really won't let me play?* he asked barely audibly.

And then he was tearing up again, this time in earnest. His brows turned upwards. Glittery tears were wetting his beautiful face as his expression turned deeply sorrowful, ever so slightly bordering on despair. A mere second later, Hikaru felt her lunch head into the wrong direction with great determination.

"DAMN IT, SAI!" Hikaru shouted loudly and ignored the scandalized look a passerby was giving her.

But it only made things worse, causing Sai to start sobbing uncontrollably. The girl hastily tried to think of a way to make him stop. But obviously, there was just one course of action that would save her from the embarrassment of vomiting in public.

"Er… o-okay, okay. Geez. Okay, s-stop crying, you big fat baby! I'll let you play Go tomorrow," Hikaru hissed through clenched teeth, trying to keep her lunch where it was.

The spirit's demeanor changed abruptly, his eyes instantly sparkling with joy instead of tears. *Yay! Thank you, thank you!* he squealed, jumping up and down happily.

Hikaru groaned and rolled her eyes but couldn't quite suppress the smile that was tugging at the corner of her mouth. Sai was definitely the most annoying being on earth, probably one of the reasons why heaven rejected him still, but he was also kinda… cute. Especially when he was trying to be scary.

And maybe if she played Go, she wouldn't have to… to…

And finally, the penny dropped.

'Waitaminute… I just said….,' she began.

*Wait? But… But… you said-*

'What actually _is_ more boring than Go are probably all those other traditional things my mum forces me to do…,' Hikaru pondered. She blinked.

'Sai… that's it! You're a genius! Go is a _traditional_ game! We're playing Go from now on! As often as possible! Then maybe I don't have to-'

But Sai had stopped listening after she'd said, "We're playing Go from now on", and was already doing a happy dance in the middle of the street.

* * *

But the next day, Hikaru and Sai were in for some bad news.

"We are going WHERE? DOING WHAT?" the girl screeched loudly, making Sai, her mother and her sister flinch.

"I said that we are going to have tea with some friends of mine at La Patisserie du Soleil at five. And maybe they will bring their children, too, so I trust it won't be too boring for you," her mother said with a wink. "There might even be boys your age, come to think of it!" She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

Okay, now it was painfully obvious that there would indeed be boys. Because she and her friends were playing matchmaker. It was also painfully obvious that her sister would raise to the occasion and spend the whole afternoon batting her eyelashes at whoever was unlucky enough to be that friends' sons, given that they had at least reached puberty. Poor lads.

Hikaru groaned. This was far, far worse than letting Sai play Go. And she'd also have to put up with his whining for at least another day!

"Oh man! What should I talk with such stuck-up idiots? You can't talk about the weather for three hours straight, can you? Isn't it enough if Kaede goes there?" she hissed.

"Oh, but Hikaru-chan, I promised to bring you both!" Mitsuko pleaded with her younger daughter. The girl grumbled in defeat.

Pleased, the middle-aged woman clapped her hands. "Now get ready, my lovelies! We don't have much time to get you dressed! Barely more than five hours!" Squealing in delight, the middle-aged woman headed back into the kitchen.

"Oh, shit…," Hikaru wailed. "My brain cells are gonna die of boredom!"

"Be quiet, Hikaru-chan. You should be grateful that we get the chance to meet such wonderful people!" Kaede hissed, imitating aunt Minami's scowl with scary perfection.

It was obvious that Kaede thought this chance to be wasted on Hikaru. The elder sibling lent forward and – making sure her mother wouldn't be able to hear what she was about to say – softly growled into the younger girl's ear, "Don't you _dare_ mess things up today! I'll make sure you'll never see your computer again if you embarrass me in front of that boys!"

"Oh I'm pretty sure you'll manage to embarrass yourself quite a bit without my help", Hikaru scoffed. "Especially if you're really going to wear _that_ thing. How much was it? A billion yen? A custom-made kimono is a bit over the top for a mere tea party. Makes you look a little desperate, _Oneechan_."

"What do you mean?" Kaede growled, causing her astonishingly beautiful face to twist into an astonishingly ugly grimace.

Hikaru pouted sweetly. "Awww. Not being married at the old age of sixteen must be so horrible..."

"At least I have a chance at getting married someday, unlike someone as rude as _you_!"

Hikaru scoffed once more. "Please. I am not rude, I merely have a personality! Unlike some people here."

Somehow Kaede's expression grew even darker. Hikaru had no idea how this was physically possible, but somehow it was. "I'm trying to be presentable. And you… wearing rags and makeup that makes you look like an oversized… kid… with… makeup!" she snarled haughtily.

"You do know that this wasn't exactly insulting…"

"Shut up!"

The older girl shook her head and stomped off.

Sai eyed the younger girl with suspicion. She looked too pleased with herself. Way too pleased.

*You are very, very mean, Hikaru,* Sai stated.

' _I_ am being mean? What about her? But yeah, I know,' Hikaru snickered smugly as she walked back to her room. 'But ya know what? She deserves it and you know it. Didn't you have any annoying siblings that you hated sometimes?'

*Well… when I was very young, I did have siblings that I sometimes quarreled with. But at your age I was already expected to act like an adult. Such behavior wouldn't have been tolerated at court, you see. There were a lot of rules. You had to be very careful,* he answered thoughtfully.

Hikaru closed the door behind her. "Ew. That must have been boring as hell", Hikaru said aloud to the ghost, looking positively horrified.

Sai raised an eyebrow. *At least the court women weren't wearing cleaning rags!*

Hikaru was not impressed. "Yes. They were wearing… what? Twelve-layered kimonos? I suppose many ladies died from the heat each year?"

He blinked. *No, no, not that many. I think. Well… maybe one or two. Or three. Or… erm… come to think of it…*

Hikaru raised an eyebrow.

*It _really_ wasn't so bad. Erm. And I was allowed to play Go all day! That was all I ever wanted,* he said with a very sad smile. *To this very day.*

Hikaru scoffed. "I suppose if you hadn't started haunting that Goban, you would probably have married it."

*M-marry?*

"Would probably even marry it now if you could, wouldn't ya?"

Sai first looked merely confused, but then his eyes became as big as plates. *Could I… could I have married a Goban in modern times?*

And once again, there was awkward silence.

"Erm… Sai. That was a joke."

*Oh… erm… I… know that! I totally know that!*

Hikaru was probably not the most sensitive and also not the most sensible person. But she knew that sexuality and such things were difficult topics that should only be talked about with care. But could you even speak of sexuality when it came to spirits and their… objects of… attachment? "Erm… would… you have liked to marry a Goban when you were alive, Sai?" she asked tentatively. Now that they were back in her room, she didn't have to worry about her mother and sister thinking she went nuts because she was talking to Sai.

*Erm, no. But… being an eligible man of noble birth often made things difficult for me.* He hedged. *I would have married a Goban without a second thought if it had permanently saved me from the more ambitious or…*, he gulped, *lust-minded women at court.*

The girl giggled loudly. "Oh, I'm sure there were a lot of women that would have liked to draw a little of your attention away from the Goban."

Sai merely shuddered. *It was a little… scary.*

"Awww… Sai had overly attached fangirls! How cute!" Hikaru squealed.

The ghost frowned. *Yes, they were cute. In the beginning. Before Lady Kogo and Lady Saisho started asking me which of them I liked more. And then Lady Mume joined them… that was when all the trouble started.*

Hikaru snickered. She had a somewhat evil glint in her eyes. Sai shuddered. *I'd rather not speak of it.*

"Sure, sure, whatever," a broadly-grinning Hikaru relented. "I have my whole life to get all the naughty stories out of you!"

*There are most certainly no naughty stories to tell!* Sai huffed indignantly, his cheeks turning a cute shade of pink. Hikaru decided to have mercy – for now.

"Well… I've never heard of a man marrying a Goban, but an object? Oh, yes. I am pretty sure that some guy was on the news because he married a pillow."

*A… a pillow?* Sai gasped. *Why would he marry a pillow?*

"Well, I think there was an Anime character on it. With anti-gravity boobs."

*Ah, Anime! This is what you were watching on TV in the hospital, right?* He asked thoughtfully. *But what are… 'anti-gravity boobs'? Have I already seen such a thing?*

The girl snorted with laughter. Cute, innocent Sai had just said 'anti-gravity boobs'! Now she could die in peace.

And so it happened that a thousand-year-old noble from the Heian era learned the meaning of the term 'anti-gravity boobs'.

* * *

** Japanese for "uncle", also used by kids when addressing a middle-aged man

I absolutely ADORE Japan and its customs and culture, by the way. But well, this story is supposed to be satire, and Hikaru is pretty tactless and hates everything traditional. So… yeah. Don't feel offended. Please.

And I have no problem whatsoever with people marrying pillows. Hikaru just happens to find it hilarious.

I suppose Hikaru is really, really, _really_ rude by Japanese standards. But yeah, that's the difference between Anime and real-life. ;)

Alright guys, I'll continue. But I ask you to continue with writing a review now and then. They do wonders for my motivation ;) Unfortunately, updates will be infrequent until October.

In case it wasn't as clear as I thought it was: "…" = Hikaru speaks aloud, '…' = Hikaru speaks in her thoughts (Sai can hear it)


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go.**

 _I am so sorry, guys! I am not dead and have actually been quite active on this website the entire time, but I just haven't had the time to continue this story. I was actually not planning on updating now. But at the moment, I find myself in dire need of relaxation, and there is nothing more relaxing than making yourself laugh like crazy. And that's what this story does for me ;) (Is it arrogant to laugh like crazy when writing and reading one's own satire?)_

* * *

After exactly five hours, fifty-one minutes, and twenty-nine seconds, Shindou Mitsuko, Shindou Kaede, and Shindou Hikaru were standing in front of _La Patisserie du Soleil_. Sai was moving up and down the stairs in anticipation. They would soon be in highly-esteemed company. If these people were half as traditional as the Shindou clan, there may even be Go players present. How exciting!

Hikaru seemed dazed, as if she were slowly awakening from a state of deep hibernation. But Hikaru had warned him in advance that this would likely happen. She had needed to take certain measures of precaution. Otherwise, she would not have survived the last few hours. Literally. After all, her tolerance for boredom only went so far – which was not very far indeed.

After a tearful quarrel with both her mother and sister – her mother had done most of the crying – many broken dishes, a broken mirror from the Meiji era, nearly being disowned twice, actually being disowned once, and then being reinstated as an heir of the Shindou lineage again, she had more or less acquiesced to their demands. Slouching in front of another mirror (not broken) in another bathroom (not hit by a "typhoon"), Hikaru had let her mother and sister work their magic. Sai had sat next to her on an empty chair, happy like a child on Christmas Day, babbling things like, *Oooh* and *Aaaah* and *I didn't know you had eyelashes!*

On most days, Hikaru wore so much eye makeup that the effect of her beautiful eyes was greatly diminished. If she weren't so lanky, one might mistake her for a renegade panda bear from the Ueno Zoo, or so her least-favorite aunt had once claimed in a twinge of despair.

Therefore, Sai found himself utterly mesmerized by her lustrous lashes and the roundness of her prettily-curved lids. Now her gemlike eyes were perfectly accentuated, the pretty shade of warm grey in her otherwise dark irises slightly more prominent than before, and the sheer size of her eyes unmissable. If only they didn't look so numb… as if Hikaru were dead inside. Then she would be perfect!

Mitsuko, Kaede and Hikaru were wearing custom-made kimonos, each of which had cost approximately 5 million yen, Kaede's being the most expensive one. _Naturally_ , Hikaru had commented. According to rumors, the artist had spent two entire months painting the pattern…

Mitsuko's kimono featured an elegant drawing of cranes in front of the waves and spray of the sea, whereas Kaede's sported a particularly beautiful masterpiece of pink cherry blossoms in spring, accentuated by many other flowers. Hikaru had grudgingly allowed the painter to create a slightly subdued but no less delightful combination of white cherry blossoms and elegantly-curved reed, complemented by navy blue sea waves in the foreground and indigo-colored ones in the back. Her mother had insisted on a subtle baby-blue-colored pattern on white ground around her shoulders and the lower parts, just to ensure that the kimono was unfit to be worn to a funeral.

*Oh Hikaru! I am so proud of you! You look no less beautiful than the Empress, who easily turned the heads of _all_ officials and nobles! The emperor had fits of jealousy on a regular basis because of it…* Sai was ecstatic, as if he were about to give one of his prolonged soliloquies about the beauty and grace of Go. He usually started those to initiate animated discussions with Hikaru, but sadly, the girl tended to feign death or severe deafness after half a minute.

Hikaru wheezed pitifully. Apparently, she was unable to speak and trapped in a state of what seemed to be great discomfort and suffering. But how could that be? She was so beautiful!

They entered the café – Mitsuko and Kaede with great elegance and perfectly-balanced steps, and Hikaru with no elegance whatsoever and barely-avoided contact between her face and the stairs.

The waitress started crying tears of pure joy when she caught sight of all three ladies of the esteemed Shindou family.

"Shindou-sama, please allow me the honor of escorting you to your table. Touya-sama and Kaga-sama have already taken their seats and are awaiting you with great anticipation!" The waitress seemed to be stuck in a never-ending loop of bowing deeply and straightening herself. For a brief moment, Sai wondered whether she might start groveling, but thought better of it. Leading the women to their table while crawling on the floor backwards did not seem like a very effective way to wait on someone.

Four women and one ghost entered a large room with expensive-looking furniture in pink-and-white coloring. Sai remembered the style from when Hikaru had been browsing the internet for haunted baroque chateaus in Europe the day before. She'd snuck out to go to the internet café – again. The poor girl whimpered softly and grew even paler than she already was. Apparently, her fondness for European furniture was limited to those in vacant, creepy, haunted places.

Mitsuko and Kaede strolled towards a prettily-decorated table in the winter garden. "Akiko! Reiko! It is so wonderful to see you!" Mitsuko seemed beside herself with joy.

"Mitsuko! Kaede! And… oh! You must be Hikaru!" One woman exclaimed happily. The other said something similarly flattering and all women bowed respectfully… erm… Hikaru bowed more clumsily than respectfully.

"Allow me to introduce you to my son," the younger and prettier of the two women said demurely, although she was practically beaming with pride at the same time. What a woman!

"Akira."

* * *

Hikaru felt nauseous.

There was way too much pink in this room. There was so much pink that even Sai was bound to get cavities, regardless of the fact that he was already dead and his teeth had long rotted away. She automatically bowed when her mother and sister did, and tried her best to smile, although the result probably looked more like a soulless grimace than the pleasant smile her family expected her to wear.

The haze in Hikaru's mind lifted ever so slightly when the women arrived at their destination, and the exchange of pleasantries and introductions had started. She all but missed the first part, but couldn't help but stare as she beheld one of the prettiest women she had ever seen.

"Akira," the pretty woman said, pointing to what had to be the prettiest boy she had ever seen. How fitting.

His shiny, black hair was immaculately cut – how he managed to have a bob and not look like a complete idiot was beyond Hikaru's comprehension – and his clothing seemed to be made of some fabric previously unknown to humanity, for it seemed to not crease. At. All. Or maybe he just didn't have any joints? Maybe he was actually a mechanical mannequin, and Akiko was a madwoman, who deluded herself into thinking he was her son… or… hey! Maybe he was a non-mechanical mannequin that was haunted by Akiko-san's dead son's spirit? _That_ thought lifted Hikaru's spirits considerably.

Alas, he got up to introduce himself, without making creaking noises or staring at them creepily. No mannequin after all, haunted or otherwise. What a pity.

His facial features merely emphasized the fact that he was very much related to Touya Akiko. To make a long story short: he looked like he came straight out of a Shoujo** Manga, featuring one of these insufferably well-mannered bishounen!** As if to confirm her suspicions, he bowed immaculately and flashed them a smile that was just as immaculate – neither too open, nor too guarded. Her mother would have wept with joy and given her unrestricted access to her computer for three weeks straight if she had displayed half as much immaculacy.

Hikaru resisted the urge to gag.

Her sister, on the other hand, looked at the poor boy as if he were a delicious buffet and she on the brink of starvation. Hikaru wouldn't be surprised if she started salivating so strongly that they were all going to drown in her drool.

After a while, she realized that everyone was looking at her expectantly. Shit.

*Just introduce yourself,* Sai saved her.

"H-Hikaru. Pleasure," she managed stutteringly and bowed sloppily.

"Oh, Mitsuko! To hide such a gem from us!" Reiko drawled. "I am enchanted!"

Then she turned around and hissed, "Tetsuo!"

In that moment, Hikaru realized that there was, in fact, another person sitting at the table. And by the looks of it, it was another boy. Or rather… a young man.

Oh no! Oh no no no!

Great. Absolutely fucking great. Their mothers had arranged a double omiai!**

Hikaru was headed straight into her second micro panic attack in just five minutes, when she got a closer look at the boy. The girl exhaled audibly. She immediately felt reassured by the fact that the other boy looked even more miserable than she felt.

His hair was a mess, his eyes had dark circles around them – he probably hated the very thought of marriage so much, he hadn't been able to sleep for days – and he was delightfully terribly dressed for the occasion. With his black leather jacket, studded belt, and torn jeans, he looked like he'd come straight from a rock concert, without having stopped at home to clean up, of course.

"Pleasure." He sounded as if he were about to choke. In fact, he sounded as if he'd rather make the acquaintance of a Hyosube** than them. The thought caused Hikaru to smile for the first time ever since Mitsuko had forced her into her Kimono.

She decided that she liked him. Maybe this ordeal wouldn't be so terrible after all. The girl was especially delighted by the fact that Cool Boy kept looking daggers at Pretty Boy – which seemed to greatly confuse the latter.

After fifty years, everyone was finally seated somewhere at the table. As Hikaru had feared, she got paired with Pretty Boy, and her sister – the lucky bitch – got to talk to Cool Boy.

"Hi," Hikaru murmured dispassionately.

"Good afternoon," Pretty Boy said immaculately, with an immaculate smile plastered on his face. Everything he did, he did immaculately.

"How's it going?" Hikaru forced herself to ask, clinging to the hope that he somehow _was_ a mannequin and would simply stop speaking at some point, probably because he needed winding up.

He disappointed. "Great, thank you. And yourself? How do you do?"

Hikaru gulped. "G-great. Thanks."

Awkward silence reigned supreme.

Then Touya made a valiant attempt at conversation: "Erm… so… which interests do you have?"

"Ghosts," Hikaru murmured. A tiny bit of hope kindled in the depths of her soul. Maybe, for some unfathomable reason, Pretty Boy was acquainted with the subtle beauty and adventurous philosophy of ghost spotting.

Pretty Boy was not. "Ghosts?" he asked. A slight crease appeared between his brows.

"Ghosts," Hikaru confirmed with a slightly firmer voice.

Pretty Boy blinked. "I… I see."

"And what about you?" This conversation couldn't possibly be any more uncomfortable or awkward. Or boring.

Possibly harboring similarly delusional hopes about _her_ interests, he flashed her an eager smile. "I am a professional Go player!"

Hikaru facepalmed. No. Nope. Nope. No. Simply… no.

Next to her, Sai was rapidly raising from the dead. No pun intended.

*Oooooh, how amazing! I am so delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir!* Sai was floating up and down, fidgeting like crazy.

"A… are you alright, Shindou-san?" Pretty Boy asked hesitantly.

"Perfectly," Hikaru deadpanned.

Once more, awkward silence reigned supreme. Or rather, it was reigning supreme for Touya's ears. Sai was chatting like a waterfall, trying to engage Pretty Boy in conversation about something called "Go problems" and "opening moves". To no avail, naturally.

Hikaru passed the time by glancing at her sister and Cool Boy. Her sister was making use of her considerable talent for filling otherwise awkward silences with mindless chatter. Right now, she would kill for even a tiny amount of that talent. Cool Boy was looking at Kaede. Or at a spot behind her… Hikaru wasn't sure. But he had the exact same expression of barely-disguised disinterest and please-get-me-out-of-here boredom on his face that Hikaru always spotted in her own reflection when she was hunched over her tea-ceremony cup and Kaede was going on and on about Calligraphy.

The girl inwardly saluted to her comrade in suffering.

By then, Sai's endless babbling was finally starting to grate on her nerves in earnest.

'Shut up, you oaf! I can't hear myself think! And I certainly can't hear a word Pretty Boy says!' she hissed at Sai in the privacy of her head. 'Unless he is a broken mannequin and finally keeping his mouth shut.' She paused. 'I really hope he is a mannequin.'

*What is a mannequin?* Sai asked warily.

'Just shut up. I am supposed to acquire a husband here,' Hikaru sighed. 'You are totally ruining my nonexistent prospects.'

Sai blinked. *Ooooh, this is an omiai! Why didn't you say so?* He grinned mischievously. *I have a plan! I can help you impress him with Go knowledge! Just say what I say!*

Hikaru was not sure whether she should cry or laugh.

'I don't want to impress him. I want him to shut the hell up," she grumbled. 'Like he's doing right now. But you can see on his face that he's trying to think of something to say! This is _bad!_ '

*Oooh, but Hikaru, he seems so nice! And he is a _professional_ Go player! I am sure he would be a wonderful husband,* the ghost surmised.

'Everyone who plays Go is a wonderful person in your eyes,' Hikaru said dryly.

*Not everyone,* Sai said. *But… most people.*

Pretty Boy looked as if he were desperately trying to say something, although her leave-me-the-hell-alone vibes seemed to finally penetrate his aura of perpetual immaculacy. She glanced at her mother. Maybe, if she was really lucky and her mother wasn't already picturing Pretty Boy as her favorite son-in-law, she had said enough and was allowed to go home. The disapproving look her mother shot her in turn told her that she'd better say _something_ if she ever wanted to see her computer again. Dammit.

"Erm… erm…," she began. Sai was getting agitated again, probably trying to choke back some comment about something concerning Go. Damn.

But maybe she could kill two birds with one stone. Playing only her grandfather was bound to get old at some point anyways, and she _really_ didn't want to waste her precious time on the internet with playing Go, so she had to acquire opponents for Sai.

"Well… would… would you like to play me… maybe..?"

That drew Akira out of his stupor. "Erm… do you… do you know how to play?" he asked disbelievingly.

"No-," Hikaru began, but caught the glare Sai was shooting at her, "I-I mean, yes, I do," she stuttered. Hikaru was a terrible liar. She preferred to tell herself that she was simply valiantly honest, but that was simply not true.

Touya looked skeptical. "And… how good are you, if I may ask?"

Hikaru looked at Sai. *I was the best Go player at court when I was still alive, and I basically played every game for Shusaku Honinbo, who was also hailed as one of the most excellent Go players of his time,* Sai said proudly.

She turned back to Pretty Boy and grinned. "I'm fucking brilliant."

* * *

 _Shoujo = girl_  
 _Bishounen = beautiful boy_  
 _Omiai = A Japanese traditional custom in which a woman and a man are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage (Wikipedia)_

 _Hyosube = a demon who happily informs you about your imminent death_

 _If you like it, please review! :) (and please don't kill me!)  
_


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